Cafe Olimpico helps keep you regular

This is the favourite caffeination station for many writers, actors, artists, weirdos and rockstars like The Arcade Fire, Wolf Parade and many others. Last week I overheard Dan Boeckner and his wife discussing their current financial situation (they’re doing alright). Being a musician is tough love. By the way, The Handsome Furs new album is quite fantastic, and if you haven’t stolen it yet, get on that.

Back to the coffee. Yes, it is quite delicious--and strong. After two lattes’ I could actually feel my hair falling out. I would recommend the iced Latte, which is laboriously brewed using the oldschool method of making multiple espresso shots at a time, dumping them into large moonshine jugs and chilling to slush. They poor it out of a slushy machine and add homo milk. That shit taste good!

Another fantastic specialty is the lemonade. I don’t know what it’s made of (lemons?), and I’m far too lazy to ask, but it’s in slush form as well, and tastes good. A decent alternate if your caffeine shakes are making it difficult to steady your espresso cup.

Most of the regular customers are friendly enough to approach, that is, if you like talking to random strangers without the intention of provoking mating rituals. There’s this artist dude that draws people (I think it’s his way of taking pictures of the attractive for later reference), then there’s laptop girl/guy, who is actually a robot, and appears in every coffee bar in every city, lap-topping away. Basically at Café Olimpico, people drink coffee, talk, and do things. Yes, I am deep.

I am addicted to the coffee. The owners may have coerced some chemistry students into improving upon the addictive qualities of their coffee ala “The Insider.” If I don’t get a regular fix, the headaches start, the grouchiness, the perma-wood. No, I was kidding about the grouchiness.

The baristas are quite manly, and quite Italian. They usually appear chipper, shouting and rejoicing in a caffeine induced stupor whilst serving their deadly brew. This cheerfulness is likely due to them making what appears to be a large volume of tips per day. Most customers will drop 50 cents or a dollar for every brew they purchase, and there is always a lineup.

The patio is really the most attractive aspect of the venue. The wooden benches are lined up in two neat rows, sort of like a bus stop, with coffee, and flowers.

While I write this article, a rather loud, annoying lady is laughing like a rabid hyena and throwing provocative glances this way. I lend you this fair warning: thirty somethings come here on the prowl for fresh meat. Sounds great right? However, many of these tattooed divorcees are just as weird as you are, so use caution when approaching.

Oh yeah, they have a pool table that nobody ever uses, so if you like pool…wait--nobody likes pool. You don’t like pool. You only play it because your not-hip friends think they can impress your lover. Anyway, they have a table at café Olimpico. Go nuts.

Yeah, go to café Olimpico, and use one of the two unisex bathrooms. They are clean and never locked while empty. Go number two, I did, and can't wait till next time. Thanks Olimpico.