Al D TV is good

The Internet killed the TV star. This is the golden age, when any bozo with a digital camera and a little know-how can throw themselves online for the masses to consume. So of course, the world has been flooded by terabytes of amateur schlock that makes the worst of public access television seem like golden globe material. And just when you think things can’t get any worse, a rare gem is unearthed--like Al D TV…where the “D” stands for “Dangerous.”

Hailing from China, Al D’s broken English, off beat method and eccentric fashion sense provide for fantastically entertaining interviews. Producer Colin Askey provides short film segments that are…well, as Al would say, “Simpry brilliant.” One such segment involves a ninja attack, another, a drug deal gone sour. The segments don’t usually have anything to do with entertainment journalism, they are just--entertaining.

To date Al D TV has interviewed such artists as the Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Hot Hot Heat, Weird Al Yankovic, The Constantines, Lamb of God, Fall Out Boy, Pride Tiger, and many more. Judging by the drive and quality of the content, the show is sure to grow in popularity. Al D has all the makings of classic journalistic character, among the ranks of Nardwuar, Hunter S Thompson and Ed the Sock. Yes, he is that adorable.

So enough about me, here’s Al D. Watch one of the episodes and you will truly appreciate Al’s Engrish. There is so much more I could say about how great the show is, but hey…, why don’t you see for yourself?

TD: What inspired you to create Al D TV?

AL : I always love the fresh air , Because Fresh air made me healthy and happy, Since the music industry and entertainment industry smells shitty these years , Only few groups out there still make fresh air to people, That's why I and my friend Colin Askey decide to make fresh air by ourselves in order to make everybody healthy and happy. And we want to make ourselves happy and healthy as well.

TD: You wrote for rolling stone China. What has been your journey through journalism thus far?

AL: At first I write a magazine called X music magazine, I interviewed alot of Nu-metal bands at that time, And then my life became shitty and shittier, So I began listen to lots more death metal and black metal, Since my music taste becames heavier and heavier, I began write for a very famous Asian heavy metal magazine called Painkiller. Later on, My friend becames Executive editor of Rolling Stone Chinese edition, He asked me to write an article about King Kong, Since King Kong is my hero, I know a lot of things about King Kong, And then from there, I started writing for Rolling Stone, I interviewed Rob Zombie, Chino from Deftones and several musicians for them.

TD: What's the story behind the fake microphone? (He uses a big paper mache microphone...it is useless.)

AL: One day I almost killed myself in the pacific ocean due to my love life sucks, But when I almost drowned myself in the ocean, There is a voice shout at me, "AL D, YOUR TIME IS COME: And then I was in the
coma, When I wake up, There is a microphone show up to my hand, I love it very much.

TD: Give Laser Face a short poem, on any subject.

AL: Hey girl, I love you , Even you don't have any makeups on your face, I still want to make love with you, Because you are truly beautiful.

TD: What is the most beautiful thing in your world?

AL: This is a very difficult question, Because my mood change every minute, for example, after my mom give me some money, I feel like I have the most supportive mom in the world, My mom is beautiful, But when
my mom doesn't allow me bring girls sleep at my room, And then I have to send girls back to their home. At that moment I hate my mom. So there is no beautiful thing in my world, because things change every moment.

TD: Is your show helping you and your friends with the ladies?

AL: Yes, These days so many young ladies start flash their tits to me when I am in the party, I was like "Ladies, Behavior!"

TD: Who is Colin Askey?

AL: Colin Askey is a Canadian undercover model, who also is a very talented filmmaker. He is a very good friend of mine, but his mind is so fucked, sometimes I have to get his goddamn mind straight so that he can work it out. He often helps me clean my mind as well. Basically we are each other's therapist.

TD: Your skits are hilarious! Who comes up with the ideas?

AL: What does Skits mean? Ha-ha. I guess Skits are those short intro films before my interviews, right? Most of those short films created by Colin Askey. He is a genius.

TD: What are your goals for Al D TV?

AL: ALDTV played on TV, so I and Colin can have decent income to enjoy the life, hahaha. And we hope we can bring love, happiness and peaceful innocent mind to the people. I hope everybody stops love Raymond, I hope everybody starts love AL D TV.

TD: What interviews are coming down the road?

AL: Haha, visit http://www.myspace.com/aldtv. We put bands what we interviewed in the past on top friend list. But we will also put bands who confirmed to do our interviews on the top friend list as well. I think
Shiny Toy Guns might do my interview tomorrow, I just hang out with them at backstage, and they are so nice! And I will interview "Weird Al" Yankovic on Friday, thank you Teresa!

TD: We have the same last name (Tony Deviant).

AL: Yes, We are all dangerous, Ladies love dangerous men. An outlaw touches ladies just like banker touches gold, Remember that, Man!

TD: If you came home one day, and Sean Connery was making love to your girlfriend, he then looks at you and asks with that sly Connery tone "Oh! You're home you handsome devil How would you like to star in my next movie?" What would you do?

AL: I would say "Ok, I would love to starring in your next movie, but you have to add a orgy scene that I make love with all your
granddaughters. "Anyway, how many granddaughters does he have? Are they beautiful?

You are beautiful Al D.

www.aldtv.com
www.myspace.com/aldtv

Hamsters of doom

I was just thinking about life, and our need for exercise.

The Hamster wheel is a prison wheel. Free the Hamster, and you free yourself. Seriously.

Hooray for sleep

I changed the direction in which I lay in bed, so that upon consciousness, I gaze into the morning sky. Lately it's been sunshine greeting my lazy retinas--which usually instills a sense of hope--as opposed to cloudy despair. Although I still feel a need to revert direction when having sex. For some reason ones head should be facing the closest wall, and this has nothing at all to do with the weather. Think about it.

Clouds are good, because they provide rain, nourishing the plants and washing the stink from the city streets. Clouds are also good because they help the economy through increased umbrella sales. I suppose they hurt the economy by decreasing the sale of summer items, like jet skis and sunscreen. Still, the economy has no say in which way I lay my head while I sleep.

Facebook likes money

Facebook has opened profiles to the public.

What this means essentially, is that all of your profiles will become accessible by the various search engines like Google, Yahoo, etc. So what…just set your profile to private-- right? Privacy settings will stop many lurkers at the gate, but still allow for a voyeuristic peek into the lives of your networked friends. If you have a facebook presence, you are inviting marketing firms to target your interests.

Facebook states that the move is driven “Purely by profit motives.” One can almost respect their honesty. I can’t help but look to my minds eye and picture reptilian overlords, garbed in business suits, seated around a giant globe of earth, laughing over stock projections and drinking the blood of babies.

What are the negative implications of this maneuver for average online networking addicts like you and I? Probably not much. Just know that there is money to be made off all of us, and our privacy is of no concern. Those who control the information control the power. It’s basic stuff really, but we need to be reminded occasionally of the eerily Orwelian direction our society is leaping anxiously towards.

Whales get screwed, as usual

Laser Face just read the news. This is what laser face has to say about the news. Here is…the news.

Whales get screwed, as usual

“A federal appeals court allowed the Navy on Friday to resume using underwater sonar blasts in anti-submarine warfare tests off Southern California despite possible harm to endangered whales, saying the nation's military needs come first.”

I mean, who needs whales…right? Fuck the whales! We need the lamp oil for when the next tsunami hits.

No seriously, WTF?

When queried by the media, Judge Andrew Kleinfeld responded "We are currently engaged in war, in two countries.”

Yeah, Russia and China. The newspeak is thick these days.

After Star Trek IV The Voyage Home, we should know better than to upset our finned mammalian friends. They bring hours of joy to humans everywhere. They’re aliiiens. Judge Andrew Kleinfeld is a bad bad man. Personally, I’m afraid of whale ghosts. Think about it.

"The safety of the whales must be weighed, and so must the safety of our warriors. And of our country," said the Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco.

Yeah, like the whales weigh as much as a country. Why….why are we so stupid?

Dollarama Bandana $1

Bandanas are my friend. I don’t care if they are sooo 2006--don’t be a hater. Why do I love bandanas? Well, they are multi-purpose. Allow me to explain some of the many benefits.

1. Sweat: Montreal is hot in the summer, like a steam room. The humidity is out of control; I blame GW Bush. I blame GW Bush for everything bad that happens in the world, especially the ridiculous amount of sweat I expel on an hourly basis. Wrap one of these babies around your wrist and use it as a sponge to sop up the extra salt water from your sorry mug.
2. Colour: I wear a lot of black, or white, and having a bit of colour hangin out of your pocket, wrapped around your wrist, neck or head, can add that bit of spice that is necessary for standing out in a crowd. That is, unless you live in Mile End. Then use this technique for camouflage as you weave through packs of hipsters at the green room, don’t make eye contact lest you should frighten a nervous artist. Blend in, that is best.
3. Snot: Ok, I should probably categorize all bodily fluids under one banner, but I’m lazy, and there are some best left unmentioned until I’m ready to piss people off. Use your imagination, or better yet, don't.
4. Humour: Anything can be funny, and bandanas are no exception. I like to take mine out and hand it to girls when they ask “what’s that for?” They’ll play with the bandana and wrap it around their heads, pretending to be Ukrainian Immigrants. Again they’ll ask for a purpose and I’ll respond, “To blow my nose.”
5. Pot: I rolled a joint on my hanky once. Then I smoked it, got really paranoid, went home, turned off my phone and played guitar for a few hours until I mellowed out a bit. Then I got hungry, ate a poutine and got bummed that I was out of pot.
6. Food: You can make little picnics anywhere. Just buy a kit kat, sit on the grass and lay it out. How cute!
7. Disguise: Maybe you want to rob someone, a store, a bank, a little old lady. Follow Robin Hood’s example and steal for a good cause. That way people will ignore the fact that you have a cult, five lovers and cocaine up to your knees.
8. Activism: Soak the bandana in urine to block out the effects of tear gas. Down with the WTO!

Bandanas can save the world.

Cafe Olimpico helps keep you regular

This is the favourite caffeination station for many writers, actors, artists, weirdos and rockstars like The Arcade Fire, Wolf Parade and many others. Last week I overheard Dan Boeckner and his wife discussing their current financial situation (they’re doing alright). Being a musician is tough love. By the way, The Handsome Furs new album is quite fantastic, and if you haven’t stolen it yet, get on that.

Back to the coffee. Yes, it is quite delicious--and strong. After two lattes’ I could actually feel my hair falling out. I would recommend the iced Latte, which is laboriously brewed using the oldschool method of making multiple espresso shots at a time, dumping them into large moonshine jugs and chilling to slush. They poor it out of a slushy machine and add homo milk. That shit taste good!

Another fantastic specialty is the lemonade. I don’t know what it’s made of (lemons?), and I’m far too lazy to ask, but it’s in slush form as well, and tastes good. A decent alternate if your caffeine shakes are making it difficult to steady your espresso cup.

Most of the regular customers are friendly enough to approach, that is, if you like talking to random strangers without the intention of provoking mating rituals. There’s this artist dude that draws people (I think it’s his way of taking pictures of the attractive for later reference), then there’s laptop girl/guy, who is actually a robot, and appears in every coffee bar in every city, lap-topping away. Basically at Café Olimpico, people drink coffee, talk, and do things. Yes, I am deep.

I am addicted to the coffee. The owners may have coerced some chemistry students into improving upon the addictive qualities of their coffee ala “The Insider.” If I don’t get a regular fix, the headaches start, the grouchiness, the perma-wood. No, I was kidding about the grouchiness.

The baristas are quite manly, and quite Italian. They usually appear chipper, shouting and rejoicing in a caffeine induced stupor whilst serving their deadly brew. This cheerfulness is likely due to them making what appears to be a large volume of tips per day. Most customers will drop 50 cents or a dollar for every brew they purchase, and there is always a lineup.

The patio is really the most attractive aspect of the venue. The wooden benches are lined up in two neat rows, sort of like a bus stop, with coffee, and flowers.

While I write this article, a rather loud, annoying lady is laughing like a rabid hyena and throwing provocative glances this way. I lend you this fair warning: thirty somethings come here on the prowl for fresh meat. Sounds great right? However, many of these tattooed divorcees are just as weird as you are, so use caution when approaching.

Oh yeah, they have a pool table that nobody ever uses, so if you like pool…wait--nobody likes pool. You don’t like pool. You only play it because your not-hip friends think they can impress your lover. Anyway, they have a table at café Olimpico. Go nuts.

Yeah, go to café Olimpico, and use one of the two unisex bathrooms. They are clean and never locked while empty. Go number two, I did, and can't wait till next time. Thanks Olimpico.

Iraq

Iraq is not a happy party, Iraq is not a sad birthday
Iraq loves all ice cream
People in Iraq are very horny
Iraq has a good soccer team, don’t blow them up
Iraq has kittens, just like Europe
Say this out loud
IRAQIRAQIRAQIRAQIRAQIRAQIRAQIRAQIRAQ
Clap your hands like you're listening to the Velvet Underground on smack
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