Scientists create new life form

It’s alive! Alive! Our proud scientists have finally created life, in the form of bacteria, freeing us from the chains of biology. Long strides we’ve made since our predecessor, the mighty dinosaur, lumbered the planet, hunting and foraging, leaving giant dino shits to fertilize the land. Now we humans create our own shit, in laboratories! The possibilities are endless. In fact, I have some ideas for our esteemed heroes’, laboriously toiling in dungeons across the land. Here are the new life forms of my imagination.

Giant clawless, toothless, winged kittens: Yes, kitties with wings; amply colossal to bear entire fourth grade classes on their furry-wurry backs. This could solve transportation based pollution issues, as we could breed entire fleets of giant winged, toothless, clawless kitty buses, greatly reducing greenhouse gas emissions--excluding methane (giant kitty farts). Proper diet would help with these small issues.

The economy would benefit as well. The kitty litter industry would flourish, along with waste management for all the giant winged, toothless, clawless kitten shit. Kitty harnesses for riding the kittens in flight would employ thousands--and of course there would be need for proper safety measures, with proper crash testing facilities, run by proper people. Many kitties would be sacrificed during air bag tests, to insure a satisfactory safety rating. One could simply genetically remove all pain receptors from the kitties, so that their end is a peaceful one.

In terms of new species, giant, winged, clawless, toothless kitties are only an example of one such possibility. Utilizing our magnificent understanding of genetic coding, we could alter any existing animal into some giant, winged, clawless, toothless transportation device. There was a time when humans believed we existed on the back of a giant turtle. Now this is a very real possibility. We could, in theory, create a living turtle like creature large enough to carry the entire human race throughout the cosmos. We must free our minds from limiting belief systems, like that we need “spaceships” to travel the universe. We can create life! Rejoice o glorious humans, reach for the sky and grasp the ether, bend it to your will.

Should these scientists speak truthfully, then our options truly are limitless. I will now demonstrate the reach of human imagination past solid concepts like kitties and turtles and space ships. Let us generate an entirely new being, like say for example, a “Lorgadamaniadistrophap,” or “Lorg” for short. This being would not exist in the physical plane; this being would be phantasmal. It has a good sense of humour, conversation skills, is well read, plays drums, and is composed purely of regenerative milk chocolate that never melts. My Lorg could apply its limitless reasoning abilities to the U.N. council, delegating brilliantly feasible solutions to ease suffering in crisis zones such as the Darfur and Sudan conflict regions. Once the Lorg had solved global humanitarian issues the council could rejoice, have a jam session and gorge on glorious chocolate.

These scientists suggest that their newly created bacteria could absorb carbon monoxide, a possible solution to global warming. Why stop there? Why not create bacteria that could absorb humans? Let us breed an entirely new galaxy, and be absorbed into a new reality, where Unicorns play Frisbee with Hitler and bending spoons with your mind is soooo 1969. Yes, we are in a new age…are you ready to create life? I think the dinosaurs had more to do with their own extinction than we realize.